30 Things Women Should Know About Men
by whateverbro
Summary: Because honestly, they're getting annoying. Warning: Major stereotyping involved.
1. 001: SasuSaku

**Chapter 1: SasuSaku**

_RING! RING!_

The crowd roared deafeningly as the baseball flew up in the air.

_RING! RING!_

"Damn it." Sasuke hissed, fishing the vibrating phone from his pocket. Frantically, he hit the green button, not bothering to check who had called. "Yeah?" He shifted his gaze back down at the field, most of his attention still on the game.

"Hey honey." Sakura purred from the other line. "Watcha doing?" You could just taste the sugary sweetness dripping from her tone.

_Oh God, _Sasuke thought, _she needs something._

Suddenly, a loud cry surfaced. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!" With a visible scowl, Naruto continued to loudly express his sentiments on whatever had just transpired. Sasuke, being just beside the blonde, had to cringe and cover his ears as the rest of the crowd uttered their own personal complaints.

"You're at a game?"

"Uh, yeah. Why?" If he was screwed, better know now than later.

"I just- Well, we didn't see each other yesterday so I was hoping-"

"Sakura, we ate lunch yesterday."

"Yeah, but we didn't see more of each other after that! I mean, you didn't even call last night.."

Sasuke sighed. God, she's lucky he loves her.

"We'll go out after the game."

"Thank you _so much_, hun! I'll see you later!"

With that, he hung up.

"Who was that?" Momentarily tearing his attention from the field, Naruto turned towards his friend, who'd just sighed and shook his head.

"No one."

"You still coming with us to that (weird) tomato place though, right?"

Sasuke glared.

Suddenly, Naruto found himself nursing a swollen cheek.

Number 1: **Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.**

**-- --**

A/N: I'm totally a woman.


	2. 002: NaruHina

**Chapter 2: NaruHina**

Looking out the window, Hinata smiled. An adorable bird had just perched on the window sill, chirping happily at the pre-spring weather. Sudden cries of walking the plank and running faster than a speeding bullet rang through her ears. Watching as kids ran and tackled each other, she decided that it was a nice Sunday.

Looking back down at the discarded ramen cup she'd just plucked from the floor, Hinata grimaced. It had taken _three _garbage bags and a thoroughly exhausted Hinata to rid Naruto's room of those wretched containers. And she wasn't even nearly done!

Scanning the room, she could pick out a few forgotten clothes under the bed, and comic books and empty soda cans were scattered everywhere! Hinata made a mental note to buy Naruto a garbage bin or two.. Or five.

She sighed. This was gonna be a looooong day..

Meanwhile, a group of guys huddled over the television, eyes glued to the screen. Fortunately, they were still able to suppress enough of their excitement to keep their butts from falling off the sofa.

"Thanks for letting us watch here, man." Kiba patted Naruto's back, both boys not letting their gazes stray from the screen.

Apparently, there was no need for a reply as three of the five men flew up, cheering audibly (Shikamaru doesn't really care and Sasuke prefers to express himself quietly). They exchanged high fives and cries of victory.

"That was most youthful!" Lee cried, pumping both fists in the air.

"Totally!" Kiba followed. "That was fuc-"

As a soft grunt resounded within the room, the boys turned around. Glancing back, they found Hinata, struggling with three garbage bags. Immediately, Naruto flew to her side.

"Here, Hinata-chan." He took two of the bags out of her hands. "Let me help you with that." As Hinata looked up from the calloused hands that took the bags from her, she was met with a bright, handsome grin. Even after a year of dating, Hinata always found herself blushing when faced with Naruto's handsome smile.

The boys left in the living room momentarily exchanged knowing glances before going back to their ever precious game.

Meanwhile, outside, Naruto unceremoniously dropped the bags into the bin with a loud _CLANK!_. "All done!" He proclaimed loudly, flashing Hinata another bright smile. Eager to get back inside, Naruto gave her a quick kiss before rushing back towards the small apartment.

But before Naruto could even take three steps, a call screeched him to a halt. "N-Naruto-kun!"

Naruto grimaced. He was supposed to be getting back to the game! "Y-yeah, Hinata-chan?" He replied hesitantly.

"Um, I-I was wondering.." She looked down, fingers twiddling. She knew he had a game to get back to, a game that was apparently very important. But this was just gonna be really quick! "C-could you drive me t-to the hardware store? I-I kinda need supplies.."

As blue eyes watched the petite Hyuuga blush embarrassedly and smile so_ adorably_, he knew he was screwed.

Sigh. "I'll get the keys." With slumped shoulders, he trudged into the apartment, sparing a quick, rueful glance at the TV. He secretly bid goodbye to the precious, precious game he knew he was gonna miss and dragged himself outside and into the car.

– –

With a collected sigh, Naruto placed the plastic bags into the dining table.

Thirty-five minutes. It took roughly thirty-five minutes to get to the store, buy all the stuff, get to the front of a painfully long line, and get back home.

And within those thirty-five torturous minutes, the boys had left.

Left with nothing but a small, frustrating note on the coffee table.

_Whipped!_

Number 2: **Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.**

**-- --**

A/N: Fail. TT-TT I hated this. I feel like it hadn't come out like I wanted. Apologies for such a late update, btw! This has been in my computer for a few weeks now, I just haven't gotten around to finishing till now.

On a side note: I accept requests for pairings. Whatever the hell they may be, although I'm still partial with yaoi/yuri.


	3. 003: SaiIno

**Chapter 3: SaiIno**

Sai stares.

"Sai."

He scowls lightly at the tips of blonde hair arching upwards.

"Sai?"

He glares softly at the creamy white shoulders causing this strain on her once beautiful, _flowing _hair.

"SAI."

He narrows his eyes at the lack of elegance and more importantly, _length_.

"_SAI_!"

"Huh?"

Ino glares at the pale boy, balled fists finding her hips. She shifts her weight unto one leg. "I said, what do you think of my new hair?" She twists her head from left to right, her 'new' hair abruptly flowing along.

Sai uses his usual technique in swaying the pretty blonde, the one he used when she'd first been introduced to him.

He smiles a cheeky smile. "It's beautiful."

Number 3: **Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair . . . And by then, you're stuck with them.**

**-- --**

A/N: Apologies for the shortness. On a side note, this is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Lol. I can only hope that this is not true. Well gentlemen, you tell me.**  
**


	4. 004: ChouIno

**Chapter 4: ChouIno**

"Honey?" That sweet, scheming tone catches Chouji's attention, and suddenly a small, curved waist disrupts his line of vision from the TV. He looks up at her face.

"You need to get out more." Ino says in that motherly, caring way that Chouji loves, a worried smile on her face. Chouji blushes and musters back a smile, but can't help but get that foreboding feeling at the pit of his stomach.

He shrugs it off. "Thanks, Ino. I'll ask Shikamaru if he'd wanna go by the gym sometime." He pops a chip into his mouth.

"You know, I was actually about to go out for a little exercise. You wanna come?" She flashes him an adorably cheeky smile, pairing it with those unbearable puppy dog eyes.

He melts instantly.

– –

"A-are you almost d-done?" Chouji mutters behind a stack of boxes held only by his bare hands. Shopping bags hang stiffly on arms that are threatening to fall off. For a bunch of clothes, these were damn heavy!

"Actually, yeah. I think I- Oooh! Look at those! Sakura will simply _die_ when she sees me in those!" As Ino scampers off to another wretched store, Chouji groans.

He briefly wonders if she's only dating him because he's actually one of the few men willing to put up with her shopping.

Number 4: **Shopping is NOT a sport. And we are never going to think of it that way.**

**-- --**

A/N: I'm getting used to these short chapters. It's a lot easier to finish. Lol. This is a good remedy for writer's block, btw.


	5. 005: PeinKonan

**Chapter 5: PeinKonan  
**_As requested by anonymous reviewer, __R.K_

"Konan." Pein called, sifting over piles of papers stacked on his desk.

"Yes, Pein-sama."

"The Uchiha's.. Have they started?" Pein took a moment from his paperwork to spare his partner a peripheral glance. Konan, who stood directly in front of Pein, nodded.

"Hai. It seems Itachi-san is-"

"I see.. And is Zetsu in position?" Pein interrupts offhandedly, gazing back down at his papers. He already has an incredibly reliable hypothesis as to the outcome of the fight. He doesn't need a play by play or such a waste of time.

Konan, a bit irked by his action, suppresses a scowl. "Yes sir. Zetsu left approximately-"

"I assume Madara already knows about this?" Pein continues to scribble on his papers.

Konan mutters through grit teeth. "Madara is waiting for Zetsu's incoming repo-"

"Thank you. You're dismissed."

By then, Konan could not wait to leave that asshole's office. The nerve of him, constantly cutting her off like that. If only she could go Kami Shuriken (Paper Shuriken) on her boss's ass.. Oh, somebody is _so _not getting any tonight.

She bows curtly and hurriedly walks towards the door, eager to get the hell out of there and scream to the bloody heavens. That is until that voice stops her dead in her tracks.

"Konan."

She reluctantly turns, teeth clenched. "Pein-sama?" She doesn't bother to suppress the sarcasm that coats her tone and she's surprised she could even muster a non-enraged face.

Pein looks up from his papers and stares at her with expectant eyes.

He sighs. "Can we have grilled fish and stew for dinner?"

Konan blinks. Slowly, a scowl forms on her face. And then she whispers, "Kami Shuriken."

.

.

.

.

.

"KONAN! My papers!"

_YOU'RE PAPERS?!_

"KONAN! Stop making even more, goddamit!"

Number 5: **Yes or No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.**

**-- --**

A/N: Apologies for such a late update. Long story.. (That of which involved this supposedly being a ShikaTema, damn it!) REVIEW! :)


	6. 006: ShikaIno

**Chapter 6: ShikaIno  
**_As requested by mimi-chan04._

_SLAM!_

"I officially _hate _the rain!"

Shikamaru ignores his girlfriend's sudden outburst, a lethargic stare not leaving the shougi board. After that first few months of dating, Shikamaru can proudly claim that he is able to effortlessly endure the blond's nails-on-chalkboard screech, a feat most of his friends can't even believe he'd accomplished.

Shikamaru is situated in the dining room, his shougi board set neatly on the dining table. He's playing himself, seeing as most of his friends can only ever get in three moves before losing begrudgingly. So he often finds himself playing alone. And even when he's in a giving mood, meaning he'll hold back and occasionally let his opponent win, most of the people he invites for a game quickly decline his offer since well, it was pretty much obvious who'd win.

Suddenly, mutters from the hallway interrupt his train of thought. He can vaguely hear, but he's sure it involves something about the gods despising her and said gods being in cahoots with the weatherman.

Shikamaru quickly prays she's being sarcastic.

"Shikamaru!"

Said man jerks his head to the side. His right brow promptly shoots up as a fully enraged, seething, _extremely_ _wet _Ino scowls at him from the doorway.

His gaze trails upon the thin piece of clothing kissing the bare skin of her waist, like he soon will if she doesn't change out of those damn clothes. He looks over that flat stomach she always maintains, the image of him running his lips down towards-

"_SHIKAMARU_!"

He looks up at her face twisted in a menacing scowl, her teeth grit in rage. Strangely, the scary look she's issuing doesn't make him waver. Even stranger is it actually makes that lecherous smile on his lips widen.

"Your girlfriend is troubled, Shikamaru! You can at least _act _concerned!"

He sighs. "What's wrong, Ino?" He drawls out, bored.

As her eyes shoot wide open and her teeth clench in sheer anger, Ino's hands suddenly fly up to her once perfectly straightened mane, her manicured hands digging into her scalp and ferociously tugging on the wet clumps of hair. A pitchy scream escapes her lips, and Shikamaru has to cringe and cover his ears as her shriek torments his peace of mind.

"THIS FOUR-HUNDRED DOLLAR DRESS IS DRY-CLEAN _ONLY_!" Ino pants, looking like an absolute mess.

Shikamaru sighs. "Ino." He stands from his chair and trudges towards his girlfriend, draping a supportive arm around her waist and not even caring that she's soaking wet. "Just see if the washer can still clean it." He shrugs offhandedly.

Unfortunately, Ino doesn't appreciate the act of concern as she violently shoves him away. "Aren't you going to _share _my misery? What, you're just going to let your girlfriend rot in the pits of her depression?! You don't just say 'Oh that's okay, honey. Just throw it in the washer. No need for dramatics.' You're supposed to _let _her be vulnerable! You hold her and let her know that you'll be there no matter what! GOD!" She sends him a disgusted look, proceeding towards the staircase.

"And you know what, Victoria's secret will _remain_ a secret FOR A _WEEK_!" He hadn't even noticed the shopping bag she was holding up till now.

_Women.. They're all troublesome.._

Number 6: **Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for**.

A/N: I just love pervy Shikamaru. :) I don't think I represented this statement well enough.. Like the story didn't completely revolve around the statement.


	7. 007: OroAnko

**Chapter 7: OroAnko  
**_As requested by Ryunn Kazan._

With a lecherous smirk upon her lips, Anko casts a mischievous glare to her companion across the small table. She looks at him with sinful lust, guilty fantasies filling her mind. The faint illumination of the candle between them gives her a deviously appealing look. She leans in towards him, her arms pressing against the flat surface. "You don't do this very often, so why now?" She purrs, lifting a leg and slowly and firmly running it up and down his.

Orochimaru is undeterred.

He smiles that fake, cheeky smile, sending her a deliciously chilling glare. "Today is.. special." He grins wider.

By then, Anko's stiletto-clad foot has reached a dangerous height up Orochimaru's thighs. She gently slides higher, her knees nearly buckling straight, as she gradually inserts her foot between his legs-

"Orochimaru-sama."

Anko's brows quickly knit in anger as her foot drops unceremoniously to the floor, not bothering to glare at their intruder. She gives Orochimaru a look.

Orochimaru scowls back, sighing. "Yes, Kabuto?" He looks up at his assistant, who was a strange sight with that basket hanging stiffly from his arm.

Kabuto pushes his glasses up with his free hand, before proceeding. "I apologize for the intrusion," Kabuto ignores a scoff from the female. "But the food will take at least 15 minutes to prepare. In the mean time, I've taken it upon myself to bring out a light snack before your meal."

_Just kiss his ass, why dontcha?_

With a smug smile, he sets the basket down on the table, giving the couple a better sight of its constituents.

"Fruits?" Anko cocks a brow, plucking an apple out from the bundle.

"Yes." Kabuto confirms, as Anko contorts her face in mock disgust, eagerly tossing the apple back into the basket.

"You couldn't have brought meat?" She says condescendingly.

Orochimaru pays their argument no heed, reaching into the basket and eventually pulling out a long, healthy banana. He peels the skin off halfway, taking a small bite on the naked portion of the fruit.

Both uncharacteristically and unexpectantly, he moans in delight. "This is delicious, Kabuto." The two other pairs of eyes quickly whip their heads to look at him.

Kabuto smiles, feeling accomplished. "Thank you, sir."

Meanwhile, Anko watches awkwardly at the exchange. As she sees Orochimaru continually eat the banana with what seemed to be genuine mirth, and Kabuto smile down at _her _supposed date knowingly, _creepily_, she finds her eyes involuntarily twitch.

"Oh, hell no."

Number 7: **When eating a banana, never look another man in the eyes and/or comment on the quality of the banana.**

A/N: Seems rushed. Review :)


	8. 008: ItaAnko

**Chapter 8: ItaAnko**  
_As requested by Inuyonas._

"Goddamn it." Anko hisses under her breath, resorting to hugging the damned pickle jar against her chest to keep it immobile and attempting to twist the lid open. No avail.

Suddenly, Itachi appears from the doorway in all his apathetic and sexy glory. He doesn't immediately pay attention to the crazy woman now freely cursing at the stubborn jar of pickles against her chest. He only walks to the island at the center of their kitchen, towards a small number of freshly made onigiri piled on a plate, and picks one up. He takes a small bite and proceeds to walk out the room.

Anko scowls, eye twitching. "_Itachi_!"

By then Itachi is trudging up the flight of stairs, completely ignoring Anko.

"Goddamn it, Itachi! Come back in here or I swear to God, NO SEX TONIGHT!" Anko hollers in rage, despite the fact that really, there _will _be sex tonight. There's never no sex.

It takes a few long seconds before Itachi comes, begrudgingly dragging himself into the room, sighing and sporting a thoroughly annoyed expression at his weak willpower.

"What is it Anko?"

Anko smirks triumphantly, extending the jar towards him. Men. "Open."

Itachi sighs in resignation, walking to Anko and taking the jar from her hands. Similar to Anko's attempt, he hugs the jar with one arm and firmly starts to twist it open, only to have his hand slip against the plastic.

He scowls.

Anko's smirk widens smugly. "Not so easy huh, tough guy?"

Glaring at the woman before him, Itachi hits the bottom of the jar with a powerful smack, determined that this time, he _will _get this to open.

He tries to open it again. It doesn't budge.

Itachi scowls deeper at the _still_ closed jar, a growl almost escaping his lips. Anko smiles a condescending smile, a smile Itachi doesn't notice since he is too absorbed with opening the jar.

Utterly frustrated, he taps the lid a bit viciously against the edge of the counter. Again, he tries to pry it open. Again, it doesn't work.

Angrily, he grabs a protruding knife from the block of wood and hazardously slips the knife under the rim of the lid, then twists it outward. The lid loosens. Dangerously tossing the knife unto the counter, Itachi pries the lid open with ease.

Anko watches in amusement as a cool, accomplished smile stretches his lips.

"Here."

She nods at his direction. "Thanks." Carelessly, she slides the now open pickle jar into the counter, letting it stand forgotten on the white tiles.

"Now c'mere. It was pretty sexy the way you opened that." Immediately, she jumps him.

Itachi smiles in amusement as Anko continues to viciously attack his lips.

So in the end, there was sex.

Number 8:** If a woman asks you to open a jar, you must open it with ease to prove your masculinity.**

A/N: See how the simple twist of a jar lid can lead to sex?


	9. 009: SasuHina

**Chapter 9: SasuHina  
**_As requested by Rainshimmer Has Duct Tape._

Gingerly, Hinata places the last of her freshly made onigiri on the plate, smiling excitedly to herself. She wipes her hand on the apron around her waist, before taking it off and placing it on the island centering the kitchen.

Hinata knows Sasuke has been having a rough time at work, considering he goes to bed at night and wakes up in the morning with a very pissy mood, something Hinata has tolerated throughout these last couple of days. But now, she aims to turn that frown upside down. Although she rarely ever initiates the sex in their relationship, she figures Sasuke would be too moody to start anything.

As Hinata positions her hands through the faucet's running water, she lets a knowing smile settle upon her lips.

She's never done this before. She's never thought to wear the lacy Victoria's Secret lingerie _before _entering the bedroom. She's never made his favorite snack in hopes of getting him to take the hint. And frankly, she's never felt so invigorated.

Suddenly, the loud slamming of the front door catches her attention and she finds herself giggling anxiously as a blush coats her cheeks.

With a jump in her step, she grabs the plate of treats and proceeds towards the living room.

* * *

With a piercing glare and a murderous scowl, Sasuke storms into the house, loudly slamming the front door in his wake with enough force worthy of disturbing their neighbors. He stomps his way to the stairs, a dangerous glare in his eyes.

"S-Sasuke-kun!" Hinata chirps cheerily, greeting an empty room and a Sasuke who has just passed the foot of the stairway.

"Not now Hinata." He mutters icily, not bothering to give her a glance. But Hinata is persistent. She follows suit up the flight of stairs, plate of okaka-filled onigiri in tow.

"Sasuke-kun, I-I made your f-favorite! Onigiri with-"

With one swift motion, Sasuke whips his head towards her, sending her one of his infamous deadly glares. "I _don't _want to talk about this, Hinata." She instantly shrinks beneath his frightening gaze as a pang of guilt sweeps through his eyes before disappearing behind that cold gaze.

"I-I just.." He sighs dejectedly. "I need to be alone right now, alright?" He says before trudging back up and once again slamming the door behind him.

A small trickle of salty liquid lands forlornly on one of the onigiris.

_The next day.._

"Oooh! When I get my perfectly manicured hands on that cold-hearted jerk, I am going to cut his balls off! I don't care if he looks at me with those enticingly brooding eyes and that devious smirk.. I just- I don't care! He is going to-"

"Ino!" Sakura, who has resorted to kneeling in front of the sobbing Hinata, hisses, sending Ino a warning glare.

Ino shrugs sheepishly in response, an apologetic look on her face. "Sorry. Oh, you know he's hot. I don't approve of the unnecessary blow-up though." She announces, replacing a comforting arm around Hinata's frame.

Sakura sighs tiredly, eventually choosing to ignore her blonde friend. She looks back at Hinata. "She means well." She says as soothingly as the situation would allow, rubbing Hinata's knees in an effort to console her. "Don't worry, Hinata. We'll-"

Just then, in an unfortunate twist of fate on Sasuke's part, he arrives at the scene in the most untimely of circumstances. The minute his eyes settle upon the room, his gaze flutters towards Hinata, a look of worry and guilt etching themselves upon his face.

Sakura and Ino instantly scowl. Hinata looks up from her palms, her eyes visibly puffy and her nose as red as that one reindeer.

"You insensitive son of a bitch!" Ino quickly spits out, stomping her way towards Sasuke. She points an accusing finger between his eyes. "Do you _know _how much Hinata's been crying? _Do you_?"

"Ino-"

"She's done nothing but bawl her eyes out _all day_! She's stuttering like crazy!"

"_Ino_-"

"Don't you even feel the least bit remorseful?"

"_Ino_!" Sasuke cries, a firm grasp upon the blonde's shoulders. Gently, he lets go. "I came to apologize." He says monotonously, having gathered his bearings.

Before Ino can even breath out a retort, Sakura intervenes. "What makes you think she'll accept your apology? Because as seemingly stupid as everything Ino just said is-"

"Hey!"

"-it was all still true." She cocks a challenging brow, crossing her arms over her chest.

Sasuke's gaze soften, looking past the loud-mouthed pair to send a worried glance towards Hinata. His body eases as he sets his lips in a thin line. "I hope she does.."

For a moment, Sakura and Ino faulter, nearly swooning at his words but they quickly regain their composure, replacing those smug looks onto their faces.

"What the hell were you so angry about anyway?"

Sasuke turns back to Sakura's question, giving her a knowing look. Immediately, her face twists into understanding then irritation.

She huffs out a frustrated breath, scoffing. "That's it? _Itachi_?"

A bulb lights up and quickly, Ino follows suit to Sakura's example. "That eye-candy? _That's _why you were so pissed? We thought you picked a fight with her, or something."

"But she knew about my problems at work. She didn't tell you?"

Both girls shake their heads and shrug. In that instant, Hinata feels a heavy set of eyes shift to her.

She looks up at the pairs of eyes staring, but then she quickly averts her gaze to her fingers, fiddling them in a fidgety manner, a red hue upon her pale cheeks.

"I-I thought y-you were m-mad at m-me.."

Sasuke groans inwardly, loathing how he's actually okay with Hinata's quick judgement.

_Sometimes, it doesn't help how she's too damn cute._

Number 9: **If something we said can be interpreted in two ways and one of those ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.**

A/N: This chapter should have been a ShikaTema. Also, as a reminder, requests for pairings are quite welcome. Preferably through reviews. :)


	10. 010: KakaAnko

**Chapter 10: KakaAnko  
**_As requested by Rainshimmer Has Duct Tape._

"KAKASHI! GET YOUR ASS IN HERE!"

"I'm going out." Kakashi waves two fingers dismissively in an attempt to escape Anko's rage. But before he can close the door behind him, smoke materializes upon his pathway.

There, in all her skimpy fishnet shirt glory, stood a very pissed Anko. Her brows are furrowed in a deadly scowl and her teeth are clenched in the most frightening sight. Although it doesn't do much for her menacing aura that the way her arms are crossed over her chest seem to squeeze her breasts quite provocatively.

And being Kakashi, he can't seem to tear his gaze from the perky, round-

"Stop fucking staring!"

And he does, quickly looking up at Anko's visibly fuming expression and sending her a nonchalant smile. "Yo."

She hisses through grit teeth. "Don't 'Yo' me! Get your ninja ass in the bathroom or I will drag you by your balls."

Kakashi gulps.

* * *

"What did you want me to see?"

Anko's face practically turn red in utmost fury, painfully setting her lips into a thin line. "Toilet. Seat."

Suddenly, a puff of smoke engulfs Kakashi's form.

"THAT'S IT! GET READY TO BE DRAGGED BY YOUR BALLS!"

Number 10: **Never put the lid down on the toilet. It's a sign of defeat.**

A/N: Haha.


	11. 011: AsuKure

**Chapter 11: AsuKure  
**_As requested by Rainshimmer Has Duct Tape._

"Ready?" Kurenai hollers from behind the red curtain.

Asuma sighs, taking the cigarette from his lips and exhaling a small black cloud. "As ready as I'll ever be."

Welcome to Hatori's Clothing Store, where women love to shop till they drop and men are dragged along to carry the bags. Currently, Kurenai is trying on that beautiful red dress by the window. Being 12 weeks pregnant, she deserves a little pampering and with a little (a whole freaking lot of) prodding, Asuma eventually agreed to help.

With a small push of the curtain, Kurenai reveals herself in an alluring, hip-hugging red dress. The cigarette hangs limply on the side of Asuma's lips as his mouth parts slightly. Despite the small, barely noticeably baby bump, Asuma can't help but drool.

Preoccupied with the thin piece of red clothing hugging his lover's frame, Asuma doesn't notice the frown residing upon Kurenai's lips.

"I look fat!" She cries, pouting and retreating back into the stall to sulk and tear the dress off her frame.

Not wanting the image before him to disappear, Asuma's hand instinctively flies to her wrist, grasping it firmly. "Wha- You look _beautiful_!" He says, gently pulling her into his arms. He wraps his muscular arms around her small form, gently massaging the small of her back.

As sweet as possible, he coos. "And, you know.. you're pregnant. Of course you're gonna look a little fat." Being oblivious, Asuma isn't immediately aware that he has just said the worst possible thing to say to a pregnant woman.

A vein pops in Kurenai's temple as she harshly shoves him away. "So you're saying I _am_ fat?" Her tone takes dangerous heights.

Asuma's eyes promptly widen. _Oh crap._ "W-What?" He stalls, chuckling nervously. "You're not- You are _not _fat."

Kurenai's face resumes a horrified expression. She gasps, pointing an accusing finger at him. "You do! You think I'm fat!"

"No!" Asuma quickly shakes his head and waves his hands to deny her claim. "You're everything _but _fat! You're- you're sexy, thin, _hot-_" _Whatever you want to hear!_

Kurenai scowls.

Whether it was the hormones or simply justified anger, she isn't sure, but for some reason, Kurenai wanted nothing more than to kick his ass for having the nerve to call him fat. Producing a handful of kunais from her back, she skillfully tosses one towards him.

Asuma's eyes widen in alarm, dodging the kunai that embeds upon the cement wall behind him and forms cracks. "What- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

In quick succession, she throws each kunai with impressive precision as Asuma dances away from each hit. She cries, "What does it look like? I'm trying to hit you!"

"WHAT? Are you- are you trying to kill me?" He cries, prancing around the store for more room to dodge, and nearly destroying the whole shop in the process. Shrieks from other shoppers are audible as the store-owner crouches from behind the counter in fear, more concerned for his life than for the establishment.

Kurenai tosses another with the most accuracy, tearing a patch off his sleeve. "If that's what it comes down to!"

Fortunately for Asuma, a voice chooses to interfere at that very moment.

"Sorry for interrupting, Kurenai-sensei-" Both jounin's attention suddenly divert to the chunin casually leaning by the door frame of the store.

"Shikamaru!" Asuma breathes a sigh of relief, his muscles relaxing.

Shikamaru pushes himself from the door frame, now standing straight, his hands buried in his pockets. His bored gaze settles upon an oblivious Asuma. "Lady Hokage issued a gathering of all available jounins and chunins." The Nara looks up at the clouds.

The last sentence that leaves Shikamaru's lips sends a foreboding shiver up Kurenai's spine. "It's the Akatsuki."

Number 11: **If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.**

A/N: Oh my God! Lol. I feel so bad about this one.. I'm totally mocking Asuma's death! TT_TT I'm such a bad Christian.


	12. 012: KakaSaku

**Chapter 12: KakaSaku  
**_As requested by I Love Bleach._

Kakashi rather likeed the events (or lack thereof) the day entailed.

He was assigned no missions. He hadn't seen Naruto all day. Not a word from Lady Hokage as of late. No training to supervise. And best of all, Sakura, who sat right beside him on the living room couch watching TV in a subdued volume, was silent all throughout pages 134 to 167.

Yes, today certainly was nice.

Suddenly, Kakashi heard the TV flickered off. Inconspicuously, he let his gaze dart towards her.

"Kakashi?" Sakura calls, facing him. She wears a solemn and serious expression.

Immediately aware that his nice day has just ended, Kakashi lowered his Icha Icha, grinning at an obviously bothered Sakura through his mask. "Hm?"

"I want to ask you something. And I want the honest to God truth, okay?"

Kakashi felt hesitant to comply. A foreboding feeling clawed at him, telling him to poof the heck outta there! He knew this wasn't going to end pretty but nonetheless, says- "Sure." He didn't remove the unwavering grin from his face, his visible eye arcing into a slit.

Sakura breathed a deep sigh, before assuming a straight face. "Do you think Ino's prettier than me?"

At that moment, all known cusses swirl in his mind because well, Ino went on a diet! Furthermore, Kakashi happened to know that Ino spent a fortune on beauty products, so of course she was going to look at least a fraction prettier than Sakura.

But amazingly, his grin was still intact. Even though the teeth behind his smile were clenched, his mind was buzzing into overdrive and he was gripping his precious Icha Icha so tightly that he nearly tore it in half, his grin looked exactly the same.

It was an incredible feat, really.

Opting in the end to simply choose in her favor, Kakashi muttered. "Of course I think you're prettier." He managed in the most usual tone he could muster.

At first, Sakura only stared at him, pondering whether or not to believe he who was notoriously known for making up excuses to cover up his tardiness. Her brows furrowed as she kept a steady gaze upon the unfaltering smile on Kakashi's features.

Narrowing her eyes, she called his bluff. "You're lying." With her trained eye, she saw the barely noticeable crack in his smile and the stiffened muscles in his body.

And there it was. He lied. He truly thought Ino-pig was pretty than her. _How dare he!_ _She _was her girlfriend! Not Ino-boar!

She scowled evidently, chakra discreetly pumping into her fists.

Still, Kakashi was able to sense the sudden flare of chakra in her person. She knew he was lying. His eyes twitch involuntarily as his ingenious mind forms a plan despite the fact that he is trembling in fear at Sakura's capability to punch his head off.

"Kakashi.." She growled threateningly, cracking her knuckles.

Kakashi gulped audibly, beads of sweat rolling down the side of his cheek. He watched in fright as Sakura's fist recoiled and her face twisted in sheer anger.

"SHANNAROO!_" _She yelled, signaling impending doom for Kakashi as her fist was quickly brought down upon his face.

He winced.

As her fist collide with his jaw, a sudden mass of smoke swallowed the room and it dawned on Sakura- _shadow clone!_

She growled angrily, "You better run!" before storming out the house in search of her idiot of a boyfriend.

Number 12: **If you ask a question that you don't want an answer to, expect an answer that you don't want to hear.**

A/N: I figured since Kakashi used a shadow clone last chapter, why not again?


	13. 013: KibaHina

**Chapter 13: KibaHina  
**_As requested by SilverWolfStar._

"HINATA!"

From the kitchen, Hinata hazardously drops the tray of freshly baked cookies on the counter and rushes towards her husband. With wide eyes and alert senses, Hinata rounds the corner to the living room only to find Kiba accusingly pointing at the-

"What the hell is that?"

Hinata blinks at the dog-nin before settling her gaze upon the subject of his imminent shock. "A . . . dog?" She asks awkwardly, tilting her head and completely forgetting to remind him that she'd bought a dog while he was away on that mission. She strides towards the little dog, picking it up with ease. "See?"

Kiba stammers incoherent words and looks at her like she'd been transformed into a cat. "That-" He points at the adorable little Yorkshire Terrier in her arms. "Is _not _a dog!"

"That-" He points at a picture of a 4-feet Akamaru. "Is a dog."

"That-" He gazes back at the cute 6-inch Yorkshire Terrier tilting his head curiously at Kiba. "Is some mutant hamster." He shakes his head in mock disgust.

Hinata stifles a giggle, nuzzling the dog's long, soft fur. "I'm sorry you don't like it, Kiba-kun, but we can't simply let it-"

"A puppy!"

Kiba groans audibly, knowing full well that he has just lost this war.

Little Kimiko Inuzuka comes binding into the room with a mouthful of freshly home-made cookies.

"Kimiko," Hinata laughs, setting the small dog down. "What have I told you about having cookies before dinner?" She smiles lightheartedly, playfully ruffling her daughter's head of disheveled brown hair.

Kimiko pouts playfully at her mother. "But it was right there! And I was _so _hungry!" She defends with an exaggerated tone, the red fang marks on her cheeks scrunching up.

Once again, Hinata laughs, noting the uncanny resemblance between their daughter and her husband. Truly, she was an Inuzuka.

Watching from the side, Kiba can't help but smile nostalgically at the scene. He's glad he has this to come back to after every mission.

"BARK!"

"It's so _cute_, mom! Can we keep 'im?"

Moment gone.

Hinata gives Kiba a challenging look, cocking her brow at him. "Ask you father."

Kiba's face falls with an I-can't-believe-you'd-drag-her-into-this look, narrowing his eyes daringly at his wife.

"Can we, dad? Please! He can be like, my nin-dog! We can be like you and Akamaru!"

"BARK!"

"See? He said he'll train real hard!"

Hinata smiles wider, feeling victorious, as Kiba sighs, going over how he was going to put this into a perspective a 10 year old would understand. He squats down to her height. "Honey," He starts. "Yorkshire Terriers are show dogs. They're not suited for battle." He coos softly, placing a gentle hand upon her head.

Kimiko blinks, her arms tucked underneath the dog's armpits in an embrace. She smiles at her dad, unfaltering. "Yeah, but then I'll train him! And then he'll grow big and strong, just like Akamaru did!"

Hinata giggles, amused by her husband's failing attempts of getting rid of the small dog. Nonetheless, Kiba urges on. "Yorkshires _don't _grow as big as dogs like Akamaru do, honey."

"But- but Kenta's different!"

Ignoring the hint of sadness in her voice, Kiba cocks a confused brow. "Kenta?"

Kimiko holds out the dog, a bright grin on her face. "Kenta!"

_Oh crap, she's named it. Jesus Christ.. _Kiba pinches the bridge of his nose, succumbing to the inevitable truth. He sighs. "Okay, fine. You can keep . . ."

"Kenta!"

"Yeah, yeah." He waves a hand dismissively, standing from his position.

"Thanks, dad!" Kimiko cries, throwing both arms around her father's waist.

Kiba can't help but smile. "You're welcome, honey." He briefly bends down, placing a kiss on her hair before Kimiko recoils and skips off, Kenta running behind her. Suddenly, he feels a familiar pair of arms envelop his chest from behind him.

"That was nice." Hinata comments, nuzzling his back.

Kiba smiles softly, loosening her grip on him so he can turn around to face her. "Yeah, well.." He places his hand a little too low on her backside, earning a surprised squeak from Hinata, as a lecherous smile conquers his lips. "No kind deed goes unrewarded, right?"

– –

_Actually,-_

"I can't believe you actually agreed to let her have a Yorkie as her nin-dog!" Hana laughs, letting an embarrassed blush rise to Kiba's cheeks.

_-it's no kind deed is left _unpunished_._

"It's not my fault! I had no choice! She _named _it within fifteen seconds of knowing the damn thing!"

Number 13: **No man shall ever own a dog smaller than a housecat.**

A/N: Forgot what to say.


	14. 014: KankuHana

**Chapter 14: KankuHana  
**_As requested by tigers-and-dragons._

"I can't believe you dragged me here."

"What do you mean? This is a family restaurant."

"_Hooters _is _not _a family restaurant." Hana glares at the man opposite her on the table, trying her best not to let her temper flare as Kankuro's eyes inconspicuously ogle a waitress' boobs which seemed enough to feed three babies. "It's a cheap advertising scheme made to lure men with too much testosterone and free time into paying them for dressing up their waitresses in almost nothing."

And Hooters it was, where boobs and long legs frolicked as far as the hormonal teenage boy's eye could see.

"I don't see why you're so pissed. You're ten times hotter than any of the girls here." Kankuro defends passively, still unable to tear his eyes from giant-boob waitress.

This doesn't get past Hana as her scowl deepens and fire plays in her eyes, ready to swallow her boyfriend in dark flames. "Will you _stop staring_?" She hisses dangerously in a low voice, almost a growl as she leans forward in an attempt to not make a scene.

Unfortunately, Kankuro is too preoccupied with mountainous-chest girl to properly comprehend what Hana has just said. "Yeah, yeah.." He agrees carelessly, practically drooling at the oblivious waitress.

At that very moment, Hana wanted nothing more than to either have a blind boyfriend or simply render her seeing boyfriend blind. Considering Kankuro isn't having much of a problem seeing melon-breast girl's chest, she can't deny to entertaining the thought of doing the former.

Suddenly, Boobzilla drops her pen.

Half the male population in the restaurant stop breathing.

Hana seethes.

Slowly, girl-whose-boobs-rival-Tsunade's bows as her breasts fall victim to gravity.

An old man in the restaurant passes out from a heart-attack. People, particularly more well-endowed waitresses, tend to him, which doesn't really help.

Kankuro only remembers feeling very turned-on and lightheaded, hearing a loud, angry cry, seeing an extremely red Hana and then simply blacking out and waking up in the hospital.

The small note stating 'You don't need to go to Hooters to see boobs' on his bedside makes his smirk, despite the black eye and the bandaged torso.

Number 14: **Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.**

A/N: I have absolutely NOTHING against Hooters! I just thought the dialogue would be appropriate for a jealous girlfriend. Please don't take any of this as an offense to Hooters.


	15. 015: ShikaTema

**Chapter 15: ShikaTema** (OTP FTW!)  
_As requested by Rainshimmer Has Duct Tape, ichilover3, Dustland-Fairytales, ApparentlyInsane, ThE sLeEpInG DrEaMeR, clumsyclown and llone sparrow._

_He yanks desperately at the red sash, successfully pulling it downwards, as her katana flies open. He feels frantic hands push his jounin vest off his shoulders, pull his undershirt up above his arms and throw it away carelessly._

_His lips consume hers, teeth and tongue clashing in fiery passion. His hand finds the small of her back, pushing her flush against him as her hands roam his toned chest, caressing the soft skin. He pushes her katana off her form then fumbles to unclasp her bra._

"_Shikamaru.." She gasps as he nibbles teasingly at her neck. "Oh fuck, Shika_maru."

"Shikamaru.. Oh, Shika.. Yes, yes.." Temari whispers seductively in a slumbering Shikamaru's ear, suppressing the strong urge to laugh. Despite her strained attempts to keep in her laughter, a few audible giggles escape her lips.

_An audible giggle emanates from beneath him as his hands tickle her ribcage. He decides he loves the sound of her laugh. Although, he isn't sure why he even tickled her when they were in the middle of hot, steamy sex._

As Temari growls and breaths into Shikamaru's ear, she strains her sight, looking through her peripherals, only to notice a growing bulge on his lower regions.

She laughs loudly without restraint and before she knew it, a sheepish (and very awake) Shikamaru is clumping his blanket over the obvious erection.

And when Temari stops laughing, she tells him that it's okay and that she'd be lying if she said she wasn't turned on.

– –

"I always knew you fantasized about me." She said, still panting heavily. Her wet, bare body lay still beside his, her arms stretched out in a restful position across the bed. She looks sideways, giving him an impish grin.

He snorts before looking back at her, an amused, hazy look in his eyes. "With that skimpy amount of fabric you call clothes, it shouldn't really come as a surprise." As soon as his statement sinks in, he instantly frowns and his eyes take on a look of concern and irritation. "Don't wear those anymore."

Temari's heart flutters and she blushes noticeably, looking away to unsuccessfully hide the red coating her cheeks. Ignoring the hard pounding in her chest, she smirks knowingly at him, crawling over so that she's now straddling his form. "Getting overprotective, are we?"

Inhaling the distinct aroma of sweat and cologne that she undoubtedly sprayed on before coming over, he can't help but smile at their lack of distance. "No," he mutters before using his elbows to prop himself up and let their lips meet. He kisses her softly, lapping at her lower lip gently. She loves it, because no one else has ever thought to be gentle with her.

When they part, they rest their foreheads together, reveling in the other's mere presence. Their eyes are closed, but somehow they know they're both smiling.

With a loud, monotone voice, Temari quickly ends the romantic tension. "You're going sparring with me."

Shikamaru groans, throwing his head back in frustration. "I hope you mean tomorrow. Or some other distant time in the future." He says, dropping himself on the bed.

"Nope." Temari interjects swiftly, hopping off him and swaying over towards her discarded clothes. "Right now, Nara. Get up."

"Troublesome.." He mutters before rolling over to his side and pulling the covers over him stubbornly.

Then again, he knows the effort is useless. This _was_ Temari.

"Nara." She growls threateningly, strutting over and ripping the blanket from over him. Slowly, she leans down towards him, narrowing her eyes and whispering in a low tone. "Are you _really_ willing to anger the one person willing to have hot, amazing sex with you?"

Shikamaru can't help but laugh softly at the remark. Begrudgingly, he complies. "Fine." Shikamaru lifts himself up, then trudges towards Temari giving her another sweet peck on the lips.

Because he didn't really get up for the promise of more sex.

Not really.

Well, maybe not _entirely._

Number 15: **They will use sex to control you. If you're strong enough, you can do the same. You're not strong enough.**

A/N: I'm a little disappointed with this. UGH. By the way, I noticed a few typo's in the previous chapters and silly me, I didn't even bother to fix it. So if anybody notices anything wrong, please inform me through a review or a PM, I don't really mind, as long as I fix it. So I guess this is in commemoration of the publishing of half the chapters! Yey! Oh, and apologies for the long wait. I was working on this new story- I'll be posting it soon! :) Hope you look out for it!


	16. 016: SasuSasu

**Chapter 16: SasuSasu  
**_The result of SilverWolfStar's dare to write the crackiest couple._

As Sasuke steps out of the bathroom, a cloud of steam follows him from behind. He pauses on the doorway for a while, the sexiest Uchiha smirk on his lips, and poses for the nonexistent cameras.

Somewhere in Konoha, Sakura and Ino get huge nosebleeds.

And somewhere in the twisted regions of Sasuke's huge head, Sexy Back plays.

_I'm bringing sexy back, _"Yeah." He nods to himself approvingly, smirking at his sheer hotness- hotness that rivals the sun. With the grace of a Victoria's Secret model, Sasuke struts towards the body length mirror.

He looks admiringly at his reflection, from the toned abs to the chiseled biceps and lowers his towel a bit, just because he can.

He hears a few bodies fall to the ground outside, signaling the death of a few of his peering fan girls.

_Nothing beats sexiness-induced death. Nothing beats any kind of death, really._

And so, Sasuke realizes he is a masochist. But that's besides the point.

As Sasuke continues to praise himself for being so damn hot, winking at himself and muttering "You're so hot that when I look at you, I get a tan", he quickly remembers that thing he has with Naruto and the gang.

Choosing to take his sweet time, Sasuke opens his closet to reveal hangers of expensive designer clothes and racks of shoes. Rubbing his constantly shaven chin, he contemplates on what to wear- the Gucci black suit or the Armani leather jacket?

Calvin Klein boxers or Gap boxer briefs?

Abercrombie skinny jeans or Levis dress pants?

With a loud, dramatic sigh, Sasuke thinks how truly exhausting it is to be this beautiful.

One and a half hour later..

Sasuke tugs at his suit, satisfied at his resulting appearance. "Ugh. I hate how I'm so picky with clothes. But I just _can't _leave home without looking presentable. I am, afterall, representing all Uchihas in the world." Which, after the massacre, only left Sasuke.

After the long walk to Ichiraku's, Sasuke finally arrives to that thing with Naruto and the gang. Unsurprisingly, empty bowls are on the counter of the small establishment.

"What the fuck?" Kiba is the first to comment. "'The hell are you wearing a suit for?"

Sasuke takes the vacant seat beside a staring Naruto. "I wanted to look nice, dog breath. What's it to you?"

"Wanna say that aga-"

"This won't solve anything." Shino intervenes calmly, turning towards the Uchiha. "Sasuke, why are you wearing a Dolce suit to Ichiraku's?"

"How do you know that?" Naruto asks, in awe.

Sasuke pouts. "Hn."

Number 16: **When ****we ****have to ****go ****somewhere, absolutely ****anything you wear is fine.. ****Really****.**

A/N: I know absolutely nothing about fashion. Lol. Everything in this fic, especially the clothes, are totally made up. I don't know if they're actually real. Song used for inspiration: This is Why I'm Hot by M.I.M.S.


	17. 017: KabuAnko

**Chapter 16: KabuAnko  
**_As requested by ThE sLeEpInG DrEaMeR._

"This sucks." Anko pouts, hands gripping the steering wheel tightly. Her gaze is hard on the road, as if willing it to set on fire with a glare.

Meanwhile on the passenger's seat, Kabuto tilts his head this way and that, a large map in hand, in an effort to decipher where the hell they were. "We turned left, so we should be.."

Anko rips the map from his grasp, crumpling it with one hand and tossing it out the open window. Kabuto watched in vain as their hopes for getting back on track was trampled by a ten-wheeler.

"WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR? Now we'll _never_ get to-"

"Fuck your stupid map. We're asking for directions."

Kabuto splutters. "We're in the_ middle _of _nowhere_! Who in the world are we gonna ask for directions?"

Just then, a hitchhiker comes into view. Anko grins smugly, giving Kabuto a look. Kabuto slumps in his seat, grumbling. With a twist of the wheel, Anko pulls over to the side.

"Thank you for pulling over." The unnamed hitchhiker says, gingerly getting in the back of the car. Anko nods in acknowledgement as Kabuto can only cock a brow at his eerie appearance.

The man's head is down, his eyes covered by his overly large hoodie. Choosing to ignore the creepy vibe the man is emitting, Anko quickly gets them back on the road, amidst the sea of automobiles.

"So," Anko begins, forgetting proper manners. "We're on our way to our second honeymoon. You happen to know where Konoha is?"

Just like in those horror films, the man behind them spreads his lips in a scheming, extremely creepy grin. "Of course. That's actually where I'm headed."

"Great!" Oblivious to the man's intentions, Anko beams. "See, Kabuto? I told you, we should've asked for directions in the first place."

Kabuto doesn't listen. Instead, he eyes the hoodie-clad man wearily through the rear view mirror. "Uh, sure. Hey if you don't mind me asking, what happened to your skin?"

The hitchiker looks up, revealing yellow eyes. His piercing gaze bears into Kabuto's eyes. "I'm actually naturally pale. It's because of my inter-specie genes that I am this way."

"Inter . . . Specie?"

The man nods slowly. "My father was human, whereas my mother was a snake. She died giving birth to me."

The couple impales.

"Pull over pull over PULL THE FUCK OVER." Kabuto whispers harshly, his heartbeat racing and his hand gripping at Anko's arm.

"I _can't_! We're in the middle of a goddamn highway!" She whispers back, her teeth grit in fright. Unconsciously, she's pressed on the gas harder, in an instinctual effort to get as far as possible to the deranged man sitting two feet behind them.

"U-um, so.." A bead of sweat runs on the side of Kabuto's pale face, his hands gripping the the car seat nervously. "What are you- Uh, what are you going to Konoha for?"

Suddenly, a long sliver of pink materializes from behind the hitchhiker's lips. His tongue is long, flexible.. And Kabuto can't help but feel..

Uh oh.

"Honey."

"Don't call me that!" Anko retorts, eyes glued to the road in panic.

"Anko. Anko, I-I have to tell you something. And it's not good news."

"What?" She seethes, weaving through the traffic.

Kabuto gulps. "I-I.. I think I may be gay."

Number 16: **Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.**

A/N: See what happens when you ask for directions?


	18. 018: GaaHina

**Chapter 18: GaaHina**  
_As requested by ThE sLeEpInG DrEaMeR._

Gaara watched curiously at the couple on the next table, hoping to learn a few pointers on how to romantically sway a woman. He would've asked Temari, but he realized that she wasn't exactly a woman.

The pair didn't seem to be doing anything. They were rather stiff and they looked nervous. They were boring, Gaara concluded. He certainly would not learn anything from observing this couple. Slowly, Gaara scanned the establishment for a more insightful pair.

Meanwhile, the couple he was previously watching hurriedly slammed a wad of money on the table and scurried out. Gaara didn't notice.

Abruptly, a snooty-looking waiter approached his table, a large bottle in hand. "Champagne, Kazekage-sama?" He offered.

Gaara didn't know what champagne was. He didn't know the bubbles could render him completely drunk. Absently, Gaara nodded once.

The waiter gave him a curt nod and smiled, before pouring him a half a glass of champagne. Gaara watched, entranced, as the clear golden liquid fell to his glass like the smoothest waterfall. It looked tasty.. It smelled like (Gaara took a sniff) apples.. and flowe-

"G-Good evening, K-Kazekage-sama."

Promptly, Gaara looked up at the prettiest, most breathtaking sight. Hinata was dressed in a form-fitting kimono, the natural blush on her cheeks against her paleness making her look even more angelic. He managed to speak, "Gaara."

Hinata's brows raised slightly in surprise.

"Call me Gaara."

She bobbed her head anxiously, her blush intensifying. Ungracefully, she pulled out her overly garnished chair and stumbled to sit. Unaware of the usual customs of how the gentleman seated the woman, Gaara just found her adorable. "H-Have you been w-waiting long?"

Gaara shook his head. "It's fine." If waiting for fifteen minutes meant she would look this beautiful, Gaara discerned that any amount of wait was worth it.

"Are you ready for your orders?" The waiter appeared once again, too friendly for Gaara's liking, as the aforementioned third party sent Hinata a charming smile. Gaara narrowed his eyes dangerously at their server, sand snaking readily around his feet.

The waiter gulped, fully aware of the Kazekage's dark past. "Uuh, I-I'll come back when you're ready." He darted towards the counter, quickly looking for someone else to tend to Gaara's table.

Gaara smiled inwardly, satisfied at their solitude. Suddenly, he felt stares directed towards them. Subtly looking around, Gaara noticed the eyes of men, numerous men throughout the restaurant, looking at his date with admiration and interest.

He scowled.

In a second, sand violently swirled around their table, generating strong gusts of wind. Hinata, whose eyes shut tight during the small sandstorm, had to hold down her kimono to keep it from flying up. Suddenly, they were encased in a tall box of sand. Looking up, Hinata saw that only the top portion was left uncovered, letting a small amount of light seep in. Hinata looked to the man responsible, then tilted her head in confusion. "U-uh, G-Gaara-kun. Wh-why did you..?"

Gaara stared blankly at her. ". . . It was very bright." And then he took a sip of his bubbly champagne.

Number 18: **A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.**

A/N: I'm sorry for such an overdue chapter to be so short! ):


	19. 019: SuiKarin

**Chapter 19: Perv!SuiKarin**  
_As requested by ThE sLeEpInG DrEaMeR._

The quick-paced clicking of heels from the hallway was followed by Karin's awaited appearance. "Ready to go?" She smiled knowingly at her date, waiting for the compliment she thought she well deserved. She had worked hard on her hair, damn it! And those contacts weren't exactly comfortable.

The stunned look on his face was enough to make her blush. "Oh, Jaws almighty.." He eyed her up, and down, drinking in the sight of those luscious curves, those taut, perfectly round-

"We better leave." She cut in, purposely sashaying her hips with more than the usual vigor. She smirked when he couldn't seem to tear his gaze off her ass.

"Oh, ho. Wait a sec." He caught her by the waist, pulling her flush against him. The suggestive glint in his eye brought a shiver up her spine. "You.. I could fall madly in bed with you right now."

She giggled, smacking whichever appendage was within reach ,which was apparently his arm. "Save that for after the date, loverboy." She made to pull away, but he kept rigid.

"That's make-love-erboy." Without warning, he began nipping at her neck, fully aware of that particular sensitive spot near her jugular. The soft, nearly inaudible moan he elicited from her almost sent him on a frenzy.

"Sui-Suigetsu. W-we're gonna be.." Her efforts were in vain as she attempted to push him away. "S-seriously.."

Surprisingly, it was Suigetsu who had managed to pull away and end the scene, albeit with evident hesitance. He breathed a sigh, a hint of regret in his eyes. "Next time, wear this right before sex." He grinned the sexiest grin Karin had ever seen, enough to make her blush.

Flustered, she scrambled towards the door, her nose up in the air. "If you don't want to get to the restaurant black and blue, you better get in the car."

He smirked. What a spitfire. Didn't take shit from anybody. Just the way he liked her. "Whatever you say, sweetheart."

Karin proceeded to strut towards the car with Suigetsu's gaze not far behind. He watched as her dress swayed with the rhythm of her feet, completely entranced. He knew he was in deep shit with this one. Sexy, sharp-tongued and overbearing. That only means either two things: this date will entail disastrous events, _or _this will end up to be the most interesting date he's ever had.

"Oh, and by the way," She turned to him, a playful spark in her eyes. "Nice suit." She commented, before sliding into the front seat.

He snorted. "The name's Bond. James Bond."

* * *

Two hours.

It only took them roughly two hours to clean out his wallet completely. Fuck. Despite this grave economic crisis, Suigetsu tried his best to remain light-hearted. He couldn't very well show probably the most intriguing woman to ever enter his life to think that he was a close-fisted bastard (especially since it was half true). So Suigetsu laughed and talked and smiled and had a nice time.

But he was still freaking broke.

* * *

"Thanks for dinner." Karin smiled a little too sweetly than usual, slowly ascending her front porch. An almost permanent smile had been plastered on her face ever since they arrived at the restaurant. Evidently, she had a wonderful time.

Suigetsu shrugged nonchalantly, hands in pockets. "Worth every penny." _Really, dude? Are you sure?_, he couldn't help but ask himself.

Now Karin was not stupid. She flunked math, but she was quite perceptive. She could easily sense an awkward atmosphere rolling in, because, as opposed to his most recent statement, she was fairly sure he was sulking about the large amount of money he had to spend tonight.

So Karin decided to try something. She walked up to him, pausing briefly at each step. He wasn't far- about 20 inches away. Then she stopped, just when they were a hair's breadth away, just when their noses nearly touched. "Seems like your belt's a little tight." She purred, roughly unfastening the strip of leather around his waist. "Let me loosen it up."

For a moment, Suigetsu looked like he was about to break out into a laugh "Oh, I am going to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight!"

"Really, now?" She whispered in the sultriest voice. "Cause it seems to me . . . like you're the one feeling _really_ happy down there."

"Well, do you want a taste of that happiness?" A look of sheer excitement dominated his face.

She looked up, through her lashes. "Only if it comes more than once."

Suigetsu's last coherent thought for that night was: _This was worth every fucking penny._

Number 19: **If we pay for dinner, we are entitled to sex.**

A/N: Dude, I don't even know. Oh, and pairings requests are CLOSED. :D To those who contributed, THANKYOUASDFGHJKL!


	20. 020: NejiTen

**Chapter 20: NejiTen**  
_As requested by jinxed72 and ShadowShurikenKunoichi._

"Something wrong?"

"It's nothing."

"You know you can tell me when something's wrong, right?"

"I know."

"Seriously. Whatever it is that's bothering you, I can help."

"I know you can."

"Neji."

"Yes, Tenten?"

"Just.. I'm here when you need me."

"Yes, Tenten, you've mentioned that."

Number 20: **Nothing's wrong means NOTHING IS WRONG.**

A/N: I suck.


End file.
